the storm
I can feel it coming
A shift in the atmosphere
barely noticeable
arm hairs raised
perceiving the imperceptible
standing
on guard
warning
silently communicating
prepare
I can feel it coming
I retreat
close doors
pull shades
crouch behind furniture
drape blankets around my body
close my eyes
attempting to avoid
to lull myself into believing
I am safe
I can feel it coming
the storm hits
the actions I take
to protect myself
are futile
because
the part of me
that needs fortitude
is not on the outside
it exists
deep within
sadness builds slowly
like incoming tides
incrementally washing over sand
overlapping layers
of lace
of foam
of seaweed
absorbed by sand
until fully saturated
the drowning begins
In the haze
between storm and sun
I surrender
I lift shades
open doors
exit my fort
emerge into life
present,
yet only in body
for I am a shell of a person
a half smile
cannot hide
sad eyes
pretending
cannot erase
the darkness
forward movement
is a facade of progress
when the one who walks
feels the heaviness
within
…
I hear whispers
asking
questioning
wondering
what would it be like
to open the doors
to my heart?
what would it feel like
to lift the shades
protecting me
from feeling?
what would happen
if instead of resisting, I surrendered
if instead of absorbing, I shared
if instead of retreating, I stepped forward
if instead of pretending,
I was brave enough
to stand as I am,
simply
me?
perhaps instead of waves of sadness
drowning
I would discover
waves of relief
cradling
carrying
lifting
bringing me closer
to the light
I can feel it coming
I stand alone
rigid
firm
feet sinking into cold sand
eyes staring ahead
assessing the churning seas
facing the storm
instead of
hiding
another whisper
turn around
trust
dare to look
Fear wants me to keep my eyes on the storm
Trust wants me to believe
the internal battle persists
another whisper
believe
I surrender
I trust
I lower my head
I close my eyes
I turn around
the wind whips
sand and salt
hope and fear
breath held
vision blurred
respite between the rolling tide
a momentary pause
recognition
understanding
release
I open my eyes and gasp
I am surrounded
…by those who love
…by those who know
…by those who see
…by those who accept
Destruction happens
when we believe
we are nothing
when we believe
we are alone
when we search in the storm
for the lighthouse
we
cannot
see
Healing begins
when we realize
we cannot always be
our own lighthouse
Healing begins
when we understand
illumination exists
in the stars above
the glittering waves
the love patiently waiting
…on the shores
…on the dunes
…in the shining eyes sending messages of hope
Healing begins
when we dare to believe something new
when we find the courage to turn our back
on what feels like danger
when we give ourselves permission
to open our eyes
to open our hearts
to see without restriction
to trust with our whole selves
to know
at all times
how much
we
matter
