processing
A middle-of-the-night scroll on Facebook.
An old picture of college friends.
Freshman year.
The sharp pain now a dull sting.
Their faces back then, smiling.
Mine in the darkened room, wincing.
Big hair.
Big personalities.
they belonged
This was the group
I never fit into
proven
by a single picture
of one time, years ago
I wasn’t a part of this moment
I wasn’t there.
My mind drifts
the uncomfortableness
of trying to fit in
the knowing
that I never would
jealousy
hurt
sadness
mostly, loneliness.
It permeated everything.
…
College was a six year war for me.
battles and shame
lost time
lost friends
lost opportunities
my eating disorder
the conductor
the jail keeper
the queen
The photo, a pinball
triggering memories
pushing buttons
energy extended
down dead-end roads
missed semesters
the hospital
packing my room in the middle of the night
driving home at dawn
disappearing under the hush of darkness
…
Years pass.
We mature.
Different clothes
do not hide
the same knowing
that I still do not belong
I withdraw
further and further
until I know
I need to leave.
and just like that, I do.
no notice
no discussion
disappearing into nothingness
…
My thoughts drift through the years
return to the present
and I read the words above the picture.
I do not understand the message.
I re-read it.
I read the comments.
I click on her profile
Slowly
I understand.
the
nightmare
is
not
a
dream
The center of the group
gone
not cancer
not a random accident
mental health
death by suicide
The puzzle pieces
in my mind
do not connect
do not make sense
I sit in stunned silence
look down
close my eyes
trying to erase
what is forever
…
One word on repeat.
why?
why her?
why now?
why suicide?
why this?
and this, almost too embarrassing, too painful to share…
why her and not me?
my heart hurts in a way I did not know was possible
I want to gather the puzzle pieces
find a box to hold these treasures
carefully place them inside
slide the lid on top
and tuck everything
into a place
where it will be
safe
loved
protected
cherished
To live is to know we can endure the pain and re-emerge.
changed
and
yet
still
whole
